Interest & Affection

It seems to me that when others are genuinely interested in you as a person, it is a sign of affection. But what does it mean to be interested? 

When someone is "interested in you as a person," it means they are curious about:

Your thoughts and feelings: They ask questions and listen attentively when you share.

• They want to know about your life, your past, your passions, your future aspirations and your experiences.
• They pay attention to what makes you, you. Not what you do, but who you are.
• They are genuinely concerned about your well-being, and they will dig deep to find out.
• They have no expectations of you, nor do they judge and evaluate you.

This kind of interest demonstrates that they value you as a person, and want to connect with you on a deeper level than just superficial interactions. It also is a reflection of their own development as a person.

How Does Interest Connect to Affection?

Affection is a broad term that encompasses feelings of fondness, liking, and care. Genuine interest in someone as a person is a fundamental building block of affection. Here's why:

• It shows care: When someone takes the time and effort to get to know you, it indicates they care about you and your life.
• It fosters connection: Interest leads to understanding, and understanding deepens connection, which is a core component of affection.
• It implies value: Their interest suggests they find you valuable, interesting, and worthy of their attention. This makes people feel seen and appreciated.
• It can lead to deeper bonds: Whether it's a friendship, familial bond, or romantic relationship, sustained genuine interest is essential for forming and strengthening affectionate ties.

If others aren't curious about you as a person, and only seem interested in the roles you play, it can feel disheartening. It suggests that the connection might be more transactional or superficial rather than deeply personal. 

What it Can Mean if Others Aren't Curious?

• Focus on Function: They might see you primarily for what you do or how you fit into a specific context. For example: You are a grandfather, but not a person. "I am really not interested in you. I don't care about you. I have no interest in your life outside of that."
• Lack of Deeper Connection: This indicates a lack of desire or capacity for a more meaningful, personal bond. True affection and strong relationships typically thrive on mutual curiosity and a willingness to understand each other beyond surface-level interactions.
• Limited Empathy: Without curiosity about your inner world, it's harder for someone to empathize with your experiences, feelings, or challenges.
• Self-Focus: Sometimes, people aren't curious about others because they are more focused on themselves, their own needs, or what they can gain from you.

Why Does It Matter?

When people aren't curious about "you" beyond your roles, it can lead to feelings of being:

• Unseen or Unvalued: You might feel like your thoughts and feelings aren't recognized or appreciated. What you know is not important to others.
• Isolated: Even in a crowd, a lack of personal interest can make you feel alone.
• Used: If interactions always revolve around what you can do for them, it can feel like you're being utilized rather than genuinely connected with.

What to Consider

• What is the relationship? If it is a personal relationship you'd expect more depth.
• Sometimes, people aren't curious because you haven't opened up or set the expectation for a deeper connection.
• Not everyone is naturally curious or skilled at building deep personal connections.
• If you consistently find that people aren't curious about you as a person in your important relationships, it might be a sign that those relationships aren't fulfilling your needs for connection and validation.

Ultimately, while some relationships will naturally remain more role-based, a consistent lack of curiosity about who you are as an individual can be a sign that the connection lacks the warmth, care, and depth that define true affection.

How we connect with others is a reflection of how we perceive ourselves. People are often more interested in the roles you play than they they are in who you are as an individual.

The Difference Between "You" and "Your Roles"

• Your Roles: These are the hats you wear in life. They define your function or position. Examples include:
• Professional roles: lawyer, teacher, doctor, artist, manager, student.
• Social roles: Parent, grandparent, sibling, friend, spouse, neighbor, volunteer.
• Identity roles: Consumer, citizen, member of a church.

These roles come with expectations, responsibilities, and often, a script for how to behave.

•  You (as a person): This refers to your core self—your unique blend of:
• Personality traits: Kind, humorous, curious, thoughtful, adventurous.
• Values: What you believe in, what's important to you.
• Passions and interests: What excites you, what you enjoy doing outside of your obligations.
• Emotions and vulnerabilities: How you feel, what challenges you, what makes you human.
• Experiences: The sum total of your life's journey that has shaped you.

Why the "You" Matters More

When others are genuinely interested in "you rather than your roles," it signifies a deeper, more meaningful connection. Here's why that distinction is so important:

• Authenticity: It means they appreciate you for who you truly are, not just for what you can do for them or what position you hold. This fosters a sense of being seen and valued for your authentic self.
• Deeper Connection: Roles are often functional and transactional. Getting to know the person behind the role allows for empathy, shared understanding, and the building of trust and genuine relationships.
• Lasting Relationships: Relationships built solely on roles tend to be more superficial and can dissolve when the role changes (e.g., you leave a job, a child grows up). Relationships built on who you are as a person are far more resilient.
• Validation: It's affirming to know that someone is interested in your thoughts, feelings, and unique perspective, rather than just your output or your label. It validates your individuality.
• Beyond the Surface: Being interested in the person means looking past the resume, the job title, or the family status to discover the individual's inner world.

Ultimately, while our roles are a part of our lives, they don't define our entire being. The desire to connect with someone on a personal level—to understand their character, motivations, and unique spirit—is a powerful indicator of genuine affection and respect. It's about seeing the soul behind the title.

When you are interested and curious about others, it's a wonderfully positive and powerful trait that brings a multitude of benefits, not just to the people you interact with, but also to yourself.

What it Means to Be Curious About Others

Being genuinely curious about others means you:

• Actively Listen: You don't just wait for your turn to speak; you pay attention to what they're saying, both verbally and non-verbally.
• Ask Open-Ended Questions: You go beyond "yes" or "no" questions, inviting them to elaborate on their thoughts, feelings, and experiences ("Tell me more about...", "How did that make you feel?", "What led you to that conclusion?").
• Seek Understanding, Not Just Information: You're trying to grasp their perspective, their motivations, and the underlying reasons for their beliefs or actions, rather than just collecting facts.
• Show Empathy: Your curiosity is often rooted in a desire to connect with and understand their emotional state.
• Are Non-Judgmental (or strive to be): You approach their responses with an open mind, willing to learn and accept differences without immediately imposing your own views.
• Look Beyond the Surface: You're interested in the "why" and the "how," delving into their unique background, values, and personality that shape who they are.

Every person you meet is a library of unique experiences and insights. By being curious, you gain new perspectives, learn new things, and broaden your understanding of others. This often challenges your assumptions and foster intellectual growth.

In essence, being genuinely interested and curious about others is a powerful expression of respect, care, and a desire for authentic connection. It's a reciprocal process that enriches both your life and the lives of those you engage with.